In Flagrante Delicto…..


How shall I put this now let me see……   I shall say a friend of mine told me the following tale…..

She said, “My daughter was coming over our way last night to see a friend.  I won`t stay long mum,  she said,  I`ll just say hello and then I`ll come and stay at yours overnight.   So I said, lovely, the spare bed is made up and you can join me and Ed for lunch on Sunday, we`re having a posh nosh.”

My friend had drunk some wine, had a little doze on the settee and woke up at about ten thinking her daughter must have changed her mind and gone home. So she said goodnight to her teenage grandson who was also stopping over and then she went to bed.

My friend continued…..  “As is my way, I woke up the following day at around 7am and went downstairs to make myself a cup of tea.  Co-incidentally, I could hear my daughter trying to unlock the front door.  I went to open it for her, it`s a bit fiddly.  Having stayed up with her mates all night, she was a little the worse for wear, a little bit wobbly as she stepped into the hall. Noticing the door to the sitting room was shut, which is unusual, I pushed it open and poked my head around the door.”

I nodded enthusiastically to encourage my friend to continue,  “Go on,”  I said.

“Well, I thought it was my grandson of course, so I was somewhat surprised to find a naked girl and a male friend of my grandson also naked, having sex on my sofa, mind you, I wasn`t as surprised and horrified as they were.  Being me and brought up to be polite I said, “Oh hello, followed by, ooops and I`ll be back in a bit,” as they scrambled to put their clothes on.  My daughter said, “who`s that?”  I tried to distract her. “Oh, just a friend of Jason`s,” I said. I knew how my daughter would react if she cottoned on to what had happened and to be honest, it was a bit early in the morning for verbal fireworks. “Come into the kitchen sweetheart I said, and have a cup of tea.” “But my daughter was having none of it – alas my diversionary tactics were too late to save the naked youngsters.”  In she strode to the front room.

My friend went on…..

“It was unfortunate timing for the poor young people having sex on my sofa that my daughter had chosen that precise moment to come home. Indeed, it was even more unfortunate that she had also enjoyed a drink whilst visiting her own friends because anyone who knows her will know that my daughter does like to make the point, and especially after she has enjoyed a glass or two of wine.

Well! You would have thought all hell had broken loose.   Taking stock of the naked scenery my daughter went absolutely ballistic at the pair of them. They were by now scrabbling around to get their clothes on looking like they wanted the ground to swallow them up. I realise their actions were very cheeky (pardon the pun) to say the least but it isn`t the first time and nor will it be the last, that kids have been caught in this way. I felt quite sorry for them.   She absolutely let rip and after much railing on about   how bleep bleep dare you   and   you should have more bleep bleep respect   and   is that the way you behave in your own bleep bleep house   etc. etc. she gave them one final disgusted look as they cowered beneath her contemptuous gaze, then in her most theatrical voice and reminding me of Catherine Tate`s foul mouthed nan, Joanie Taylor, she swept her hands out towards the front door and said, “I think you`d better leave!”

“Blimey!” I said, “Poor things…. at that time in the morning too.”

“I know,” said my friend. “As they sidled past me looking terribly ashamed, I picked up a pair of pale blue boxer shorts and handing them to the young man I gently commented, I think these must be yours…..

After they had left my daughter dusted her hands together and said in an slightly smug way, “There now, they won`t be doing that again in a hurry, that`s the last time they get their end away in my parent`s house!” and I said, “My dear girl, after the verbal dressing down you`ve just given that young man I doubt if he will ever get another erection again, never mind trying it out on someone`s sofa!”

Later that day my friend told me that her daughter had texted her, “I`m sorry, I was rather harsh wasn`t I.”  Her mother replied, “You are like a beautiful rainbow,” and smiled at the thought.

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